i won't be the stray

so, life kind of took a turn for the worst and i'm not too happy about it. i didn't get the full time position at work, which was complete bullshit because the entire thing was political and just fucked up. the woman who received the full time position only got it because when she was passed by last time for it, she threw a big temper tantrum, threatened to quit, and then threatened to kill herself. over dramatic much? and it sucks, because if i was full-time, i would be getting a ton more benefits, which would make my life a whole lot less stressful. i would get twice as much maternity leave and be paid twice as much for it (40 hours a week vs 20). i would be paying half as much for health care but be getting twice the benefits. just stuff like that which hasn't really been a big deal to me until now. plus the fact that i think i do a better job than she does and i have a better attitude. like i said, i think the only reason i didn't get the full-time was because management was trying to protect their butts. typical.

the other bad news i got was related to the baby. the doctor saw last time on my ultrasound that the cord was connected to the placenta on the side, rather than in the middle. i believe it's called a marginal umbilical cord, so the baby might have a harder time getting nutrients and i could have a lot of complications during labor, i.e. i might have to have a c-section or be in the hospital for a couple of weeks before the baby is born. my doctor didn't really say too much about it, just that she wants to take monthly measurements to make sure the baby is growing properly, so this whole thing could end up not being an issue at all. it's just been a stressful pregnancy, with the four months of morning sickness, then the unexplained bleeding and now this. i really hope that it turns out to be nothing, just a minor complication that is just a part of life but isn't going to harm the baby.

and i'm on another week of bed rest because i had some more unexplained bleeding, not as bad as last time but certainly not helped by all of my extra stress. i probably wouldn't have needed to be off from work for a week for necessarily physical reasons, but my emotional health could use it. so far it hasn't exactly been relaxing, because we've had chane's kids all weekend (even though we weren't supposed to, but their mother is an annoying bitch whose newest thing is to drop them off without warning so she can "go out to eat", aka stay out all night drinking. i don't like her too much) anyway and they were fighting all weekend and just being kids but it was just a little much. SO maybe with the next couple of days, i'll feel better.

sigh. all i can do is just go through each day and hope nothing crazy happens. and the good things are the doctor thinks the baby might be a girl (not confirmed, just an idea from the quick look she managed to get), and i've started to feel it (her?) move. little things, but good.

i could slit my wrists on your shoulder blades
and offer you my pulse
because this feeling isn't true or false.
this feeling is If.
If i, If i could. If i could have said, have said something
i could've, would've, should've said, "stay."

"stay," was the word i was trying to say.
stay that night at the party when you pulled me away
out on the sidewalk
to talk
to tell me you were going away.
i was trying to say, "stay."

but i was too busy contemplating the Ifs.

but If that was my darkest hour
then these are my finest seconds
because now i can say
that i could've, would've, should've said something,
could've, would've, should've said anything.

could've said.
"i can scoop out my intestinal track,
fill it with helium gas and make a balloon animal for you."

If you asked me to.

would've said.
"If you were tired of cute
i would cook the Pillsbury Doughboy alive".
If the directions said three minutes, i'd cook him for five.

should've said.
If.

If I, If you, If we...

the largest part of any equation begins with "If"
followed by time.
and i know we're no math scholars but god,
we should've calculated the Ifs.
so that i, so that you, so that we
could've, would've, should've
prepared for whatever If had in store
if If had anything at all.

because If you died before me
and i mean If that's the way it had to be
then we'd have no choice,
but to declare with one single voice,
one voice that could shake the ground.
one voice that could make god himself look around and say,
"what was that sound?"

and i'd turn his kingdom into a chalkboard.
that's right, i'd throw god into my detention
just to make him write down what i didn't mention
because he'd have to cut me a deal.
because i didn't get to tell you how i feel.
and i would make him dictate my words
like they were flying to heaven on the backs of dead birds.
but If he wasn't going to help me,
iIf he was just going to sit there like dust on a bible,
like a bible on a shelf,
then fuck Him because i will do it myself.
and i will make it rain tears for eighty days and eighty nights,
because i know love travels faster than light.

and all i'd have to do is whisper.

something so beautiful, something more than a poem,
something more than a prayer,
so that all of the angels would flood heaven with tears
before you got there.

because if If had anything at all
then i was not pushed and did not fall.
i jumped out of grace
and i landed on my face
because there was no safety net.
but don't draw a chalk outline around my body yet
because if If had anything at all,
If i was in hell i'd still give you a call,
because even If this is the greatest poem that i ever wrote
i'd still have to write a little sidenote
saying, "it is not enough simply to say i love you."
that kind of shit just ain't gonna do,
because if the universe has no beginning, has no end,
has no bottom, has no top,
i would jump from somewhere, i would drop
through infinity, because i'm not just saying i love you.

i'm saying i'll never stop.

i believe
that my life's gonna see
the love i give
return to me

"love is hard to believe, ask any lover. life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. god is hard to believe, ask any believer. what is your problem with hard to believe?"

before my death I hope to obtain my
life.